Stupidest. Running. Ad. Campaign. Ever.

If you get the running magazines, you’ve seen this one. Big headline:

LET’S FOLLOW

THE BABY BOOM WITH

A RUNNER BOOM

It’s an ad for Pearl Izumi running shoes, and it’s so ridiculously bad that, in the interest of the public good, it deserves some mockery. Allow me.

The text begins:

Imagine that. An entire generation of runners just waiting to lace up. You see, everyone is born to run. After all, each and every one of us is the product of eons of natural selection. Those who ran, survived.

Translation: You, potential customer, are one of the superhumans! The pinnacle of natural selection! (This is the sort of attitude that makes most people think — oftentimes rightly — that runners are egomaniacs.)

But today, thanks to the safety net of modern society, natural selection is no longer so selective. So now it’s up to us, the runners.

Translation: Danger! Untermensch have entered the gene pool! What the world needs now is a good dose of Margaret Sanger and moisture-wicking ware!

We used our legs to get homo sapiens to the top of the food chain. Now, to keep us there, we will have to use what’s between them.

Translation: We thought we would insert this line just in case this ad wasn’t in poor enough taste already.

To preserve something as important as running, it’s the least we can do. It’s also the most. So breed like an animal. Run like an animal.

Translation: Just don’t think like an animal. No beast worth his salt would be inspired by this sort of asininity.

Yes, I get that this is a joke. I understand that no one at the Pearl Izumi Co. is really pushing for a runners-based eugenics. (Although the company’s itsarunner.com website, which allows visitors to genetically engineer their own perfect running “children,” is well, a little creepy.) What I don’t get is how anyone can believe that this achingly pathetic attempt to sound “edgy” will help them sell sneakers.

If only the fittest survive, then Pearl Izumi ought to go bankrupt by year’s end.